Relevance

BleakAs mother nature decides to dump this coldness onto us, it feels like my shoulders have actually become heavier, my hibernation habits have crept in which in turn has drained every last ounce of motivation from me! I didn’t ever expect January to be warm by any stretch, but somehow the mute, white, stillness has brought with it a very sinister, sharp edge that just makes you want to close your curtains, boil the kettle and have a duvet day. Throw in a dose of unbalanced hormones and you have a very mercurial mix of female breakdown!

It all started on Thursday, Jack Frost had already been and made himself comfortable, that was the exact reason why Netball was cancelled this week (bummer) I was really looking forward to it after my performance the week before, I was also going to get a team photo of all my lovelies to post on here in my inspiration page (when I finally finish it) I know I shouldn’t let something like this trip me over, but it is the one thing I really look forward to out of my busy week, it felt like my momentum had disappeared, motivation deflated like a shrivelled up balloon. Feeling low, I comforted, warmth and light-hearted romance movies!

The weekend plodded by in the same docile way, although it has to be said that even though I didn’t work out, I was still behaving! I realised that working out made me so hungry the next day and it really does take all of my strength to turn down bacon sarnie Friday and cream cakes for John’s birthday, however, will power prevailed in all those instances, with that in mind, having not worked out, I discovered that I’m really not completely ravenous! *Cheese Alert* So it really does go to show that if you tune into what your body is telling you, you will have much more control which enables you to keep your hormones in check!

She’s Lost Control

Aside from being one of my favourite songs from Joy Divisions’ Unknown Pleasures, it was also me, on Saturday! Now, I’m not going to beat myself up over this, I’ve had a word in the mirror and moved on, but I can’t pretend like it didn’t happen either! Tasmin was holding a farewell soiree for her late Uncle Peter. Invited, I dressed smart/casual (jeans a little more loose than they were 2 weeks ago YIPPEE) beautiful chiffon wrap over blouse, full hair and make up, black wedges, purse…..Car Keys!! Yes, I was DES! I picked up Tasmin and a few others, parked right outside the pub, found a beautiful spot right smack bang in the middle of a walkway, went to the bar, Tasmin orders a bottle of wine with one glass, she asks what I would like, I replied; “Another glass please!” Before I could even think about what had just come out of my mouth, the wine was poured and the glass was sat right in front of me!! I’m sorry to say, I raised a glass (or two) to Uncle Peter!  New Year’s resolution N0. 3 OUT OF THE WINDOW! My 6 month ban lasted 3 weeks, for those of you who know me, that is good going! I don’t drink a lot, at home at least, I’m a binge drinker! Will go from one weekend to the next without touching a drop, but every now and then I tend to drink my own body weight (179lbs!) in pretty much anything! It’s happened, I’ve looked at my resolution, re-evaluated and came up with this little gem;

New Years Resolution No. 6 Only drink at social events, such as birthday parties, christenings etc, no drinking at home and no ‘nipping to the pub for a pint and a packet of pork scratchings’!

To round everything off, I actually braved the cold and ice and went for a run/jog! “She must be mad” and “laugh if she fell” were the comments going round as I passed dog walkers and scruffy kids, but I didn’t care, I felt energised, the cold kept me going, back home for a bite to eat (nothing exciting, just rice and beef sausages), bath and blog!

Sensational work! I have actually managed to drag some sort of acceptance and positivity out of my bleak week!

Remember to check back tomorrow for my third week weigh in!!

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Keeping Track

Been a bit of emotional roller-coaster these past 7 days, tensions have been pretty high at home, work, kids, house, dog, cat, eat, sleep, tweet, text, post and all other one syllable verbs that sum up the general plodding I do, which I don’t usually mind, but sometimes it grates, sometimes I just want to go dancing and not give a stuff about what’s for tea! Which is the reason why I posted yesterday about my Sister, Marie-Claire. When things start to get on top of you, think of the things that motivate you and inspire you……

Last Thursday, I was back with my lovely Bullettes Netball team, after what seemed like a year since before Christmas! Despite the disgustingly cold weather, everyone was really raring to go, and having been asked to make up the numbers on the Purple team as well and Black team, I knew that this would be really good for my health and fitness target so Leah and I kitted up and rolled out! While Leah and Chloe were at mini netball, Anna, Skeg and I went for a power walk abound Kirton to warm up, good giggle actually, talking about boys and bitches, it took us about 25 mins, but we were lovely and warm when we got back ready to go on court for 7!

BOOM! 90 mins and 2 matches later, I was pooped! But because I was so proud of myself, the adrenaline was still pumping half hour later, so I jumped in the bath and replayed the whole night in my head! I just felt like a million dollars (pounds really, worth more, but doesn’t sound as glamorous!) the team is such a positive for me, love my girls! 🙂

With motivation restored, the weekend flew by without a hitch, had a well deserved rest, met my sister for coffee and chat, visited my grandparents while collecting Leah from Lincoln, nearly killed us both driving home, (dark, foggy, icy and tired, not ideal driving conditions for my funky black Italian) back to Spalding to prepare for the worst day in the calendar week, Monday! I even hate the word, but as Willy said a rose called by any other name, would still be rose, I can’t blame the word, just the day. Remaining positive (as it was after all a whole 7 days before I was waking up on Monday morning again) kept myself busy at work and hibernating at home, then bugger me, it’s already Wednesday! Don’t you find that time seems to drag at the time but when you look back everything seems to have merged into one and you realise its gone so quick? No? Just me then, anyway, weigh in, yes, ok, again poised, assuming the position, brace and breath……

179lbs!

For those that have been keeping up to date with me, that is a very healthy and happy 2lbs off this week, an inch off both my thighs and another thing I’ve noticed, clearer skin! So all round very happy with my progress!! Pop to my Tracker page to see it for yourself!

Comin’ Up……

  • Purples v Blacks 8pm Thursday (weather permitting) Home side derby between the 2 Bullettes Netball Teams. Will need a team piccie please girls!!
  • Rosie’s Suicide Runs 7-9pm Monday
  • New Year’s resolution check in (post)
  • Re-starting yoga 6-7 Tuesday

Keep checking for updates and have a good week everyone!!

Inside and Out

She is beautiful, caring, intelligent with common sense and the most fantastic sense of humour! She would give you everything she has and still feel she hasn’t done enough. She is a mother, a daughter, a wife, a cousin, a niece, a grand and great grand-daughter, but the first thing she ever was, was my little sister!

Innocence

This week, I have really struggled emotionally with every day life (ladies, you will know what I am talking about) So to try and keep my on track with my goals for this year, I have decided to write about the things and people that I love and that inspire me. Who don’t judge me for the decisions I make and support me no matter what. Starting with the first family member that I have known her whole life…..

In 1986, when, when I was 4 and the Communards were topping the charts with ‘Don’t Leave me this Way’ (I know you’re singing it!) I was about to become the most best big sister in the whole world, I was going to bath her, feed her, teach her how to crawl, nick her rusks and pinch her to make her cry so that when mum came upstairs to check on us, I could get a drink! The BEST! When the bundle of joy arrived I was so proud, “I’m a big sister now” I’d crow, in the style of Peter Pan, but little did I realise the weight of that statement. It didn’t take long to realise that my spoilt only child existence as I knew it was over and boy, did I know it! We lived on RAF camps when we were younger, my first memory was being allowed to ride my bike (with stabilisers) to the drain at the top of the square block we lived on in Anwick, Newcastle, this must have been around the time Marie-Claire was born because she arrived in Ashington, Northumberland, Pat Benetar was in the charts with ‘Love is a Battlefield’ (bringing out the big guns now!) It also meant that Lincoln was our next and last stop!

My second memory, of Marie-Claire anyway, wasn’t until some years later, when she was old enough to make a proper impact on my life, she wasn’t just a dribbly, pooey mess, she was happy, loving and too honest! My dad used to play squash and insisted that with all the toys we had in the garage, we were not allowed to touch his squash ball. But its like standing in an empty, blank room with a big red button in the middle that say’s ‘Don’t Push’! I was so weak! I just had to play with the ball, I wanted to toss it up in the air and catch it, I wanted to bounce it against the wall, I wanted to hit it with the racket, I’ll put it back, he will never know, he won’t……oops! Crap, crapitty, crapola! Put the racket down Michelle, back away from the garage, you were never here, you were in your room, playing with Barbie the whole time, ball? What ball? Never seen a ball in a my life! A few days later, when Dad had gone to get his racket and ball for his weekly session, it was like Hades had arrived to slaughter the bad one, only I was not the one who was to be sacrificed!

“Michelle! Marie-Claire! Come here NOW!”

“Yes Daddy?” we tinkled in allied unison, trying to look too god damn cute for a roasting, “Why is my squash ball on top of the garage?” We looked at each other and shrugged, my poor sister didn’t have a sodding clue, I knew what was coming, just as I had seen a thousand times before,

“No answers now, go away, think about what you want to say and I will come and get you in 15 minutes! And you better have your stories straight!!” With that, we both ran into the bedroom that we shared, sat on our beds, each adamant that the other was to blame, being the big sister, I pulled rank! I managed to convince her that she needed to take the blame for this one, the prize? A whole hour to play with anything of mine that she wanted! “Anything?!” She chirped, “Yes, anything”

Nothing could actually prepare me for the next few minutes, my dad was so angry at Marie-Claire, he slapped her legs so hard that when she squealed, she caved, told him everything! Man, was I in trouble! In fact the aftermath was so disturbing (not in an actual child abuse way) but it must have been bad, as it has been totally blocked from all memory!

The Dark Ages

This kind of food chain behaviour went on for years, always resenting my sister from coming along and taking my stuff, I loved her to bits of course and always stuck up for her, like when she was being bullied and school for not having new shoes at the beginning of the school year, although Marie-Claire sorted the nasty cow out, I bopped her big sister to warn her never to mess with my little sister again! But all that came to an abrupt end when we were living on our own with our Mum, Caron after my dad left. My sister was no longer the innocent, child, the naive little sister that did anything for me because she loved me and looked up to me and wanted to be like me so much, she was damaged by the hurt, pain, anger, resentment and bitterness that resided at 6 Fir Tree Avenue with us. She truanted school, took whiskey in her lunch box, determined to destroy herself to make the pain stop. Unfortunately, the saying goes ‘you hurt the ones you love the most’ and we did, I will never forget the times mum used to come home from being at work 12 hours, to find us sitting on the sofa in our ripped, blood spattered school shirts, with chunks of hair missing!

From the dark comes the light, we left school, moved away, met baby daddies, one of us married (and proud to say still is) and through it all the one thing that remains constant, is the unfaltering, unrelenting, love that only sisters have.

With all that said, I want to finish by saying “Thank You” to my beautiful sister, for just being you! For my gorgeous nephews Riley-Jay and Liam, my Neice Lauren, for always being constant in my life when others have come and gone!

Love you Forever Girl!!

Marie-Claire

Young Lauren Liam Riley - Jay Sisters

Rolling Drums…….

Well, not the perfect start to the day, kitchen floor is wet from the leak from the water inlet pipe, I’m late for work and my phone is nearly dead because I neglected to make sure it was on charge before I went to bed last night, and after tossing and turning for most of the night, I was not prepared for the stress, especially as today was THE day! Yes, the day that I have been spending every waking hour these past 7 days working towards, and believe me, obsessive compulsive has nothing on this one!

Things were starting to look up when I realised that there is a charger that fits my phone plugged in across the office, at least until it started ringing at 10:30, middle child, Jordan, on the other end;

“Shell, I’ve slept in” he mumbles sleepily with a slight hint of panic, after a big sigh and roll of the eyes I calmly suggested that he get himself sorted and get to school. Bless him, not only will he have the humiliation of turning up late, having to explain why to 6 different receptionists/teachers and have all eyes on him while he stumbles to his seat halfway through a lesson, but he is also grounded with an early night!! *Wicked Step-Mum laugh*

After clock watching the rest of the day through, I grab my keys and make for the car, my weigh in is slowly creeping closer and I’m so excited that I thought for a moment I might actually have pee’d in my pants, I start the engine, Bruno blaring, shades on (because the sun is really low, not because I think I’m cool, well I am a little but that’s not the reason, honestly) and I’m on my way!

I arrive a bit early for the school run, so I park up and wait, my mate Hayley comes past, so I walked round to the reception classes with her, helped kill some time at least, after standing there for about 5 minutes listening to her arguing with Taylor’s teacher, long story, I slipped off to pick the kids up. As we pull up outside the house, the boys are stood there waiting. SHIT! That means they don’t have the key and either do I!! Why is this happening?? It’s an omen, I’m telling you, someone, somewhere does not want me to step on those scales, someone is desperately trying to save me from absolute morale destruction, how am I going to cope?? Ok, deep breath, stay calm, get the all the kids in the car and haul ass to Sy’s work, get the key, all is well!

Finally, I am standing in the bathroom in the exact same knickers and bra that I wore at exactly this time 7 whole days ago, the innocent zeros on the scales’ face waiting patiently, staring up at me, willing me to make the delicate step, right foot, then left, deep breath in and all the way out while i close my eyes and tip my head to the ceiling, the last 7 days flashing inside my eye lids…….

181lbs. 181LBS!! Get in there you flying monkey!! 4lbs off, I’ve lost 4 freaking pounds!! It works, it really, really works!! I take a moment to dance around the bathroom and revel in my first glorious step to absolute hotness. Once my euphoria ended, thoughts of the next 7 days crept in to batten down my excitement and turn it into motivation. I know through numerous attempts at dieting that the first week is notorious for the generous weight loss so I need to stay focused and remind myself that this is the first week of 22 and I can’t let anything slip now, its crucial that during the ‘lifestyle change’ the first few weeks are the hardest because that’s when the old habits still linger.

So, now I’m sat here, in my onsie, well and truly drained, eye lids heavy, ready to hit the sack! I can’t wait to start the next 7 days.

Whatever you do, have FUN!

Whatever you do, have FUN!

Let’s Get Physical….

Ok, so, it’ s weigh- in eve,  whole six days since I embarked on my ‘Damn! You’ s a sexy bitch’ journey, and I must say I have really impressed myself!!!!

Thursday, the first day of the rest of my life, started ok, I was still in the Christmas  hangover (not literally, see resolution 3. No alcohol!!) but the aftermath of all ye auld lang syne caked bubble and squeak, I was still feeling rather sluggish. There was only one thing for it, caffeine, and  lots of it! Luckily, the lovely employers at Nationwide Produce have provided us with unlimited supply, so I line ’em up using my new ‘ I may be 30, but I’m still flirty’ mug, which was a gift from the pals I used to work with when I first relocated to Sunny old Spalding! After I was jacked up on the good ole taxable drug, my day flew by, catching up on all the laborious updating of crappy retail orders etc and before I knew it, it was home time, with that and my new found motivation for all things healthy, I set off in my little not- so-sexy black Italian in third gear and my brain in overdrive planning my new fitness regime.

Back home, I decided that there was nothing for it, it’s going to have to be road running, netball doesn’t start for another week (which is a God send because I really am not in any fit state to be flailing around in my little dress!) and after spending outrageously in the name of Santa, I am for want of a better term, on the bones of my botty, so running gear on, Sy has a route planned that he normally takes when be goes out, and we’re off!

OUCH!! Bloody knees! I don’t  know how many of you can relate to this, but being over weight (officially obese) this has put a lot of pressure on my already unstable knees, and after not doing any form of exercising – other than to lift my wine glass – my joints have decided they need some WD40 or something because man they hurt! Gutted, not even halfway down Balmoral and I’m wailing like a banshee! My brain that wants to pound the crap out of this work out, is wrestling with my body which is taking on the characteristics of a submissive beagle being petted! What was I to do? I had already decided that I was going to push myself, but to fall at the first hurdle? That is totally not my style! The decision to turn on our heels and head back home was not taken lightly, I was so mad with myself for not being able to carry on, I just couldn’t run, but I could walk, fast. That was it, I couldn’t run the route, but I could power walk it, I could even kill two birds with one stone and take Bella the beagle with me, result! So with renewed enthusiasm, that’s what I did, Sy carried on his run, I power walked a shorter route and met him back at home.

When I woke up for work on Friday morning, I felt a lot better than I did the day before, partly I think due to the fact that  our kids were due home that afternoon and we were to have a full house again, but also because I was proud of myself for getting  my butt into gear. We decided to do some sparing with the gloves and pads when we got in from our power walk/run, along with some sit ups and a planking competition (Google it if you have  never heard of it, it’s a killer! Literally!) After I had finished work I set off on my bi-weekly round trip of Lincolnshire, collected all the young residents of 10 Edinburgh Drive, brought them home safe and sound ready to start the weekend and the celebration of Sy’ s 36th birthday! Normal service resumed!

Even though we were celebrating, I still behaved myself, no alcohol, took care of my portion sizes, and the best thing was, I find’ t feel like I was missing out! Strange thing about waking up on Sunday though was the fact I felt like I had a hangover, So I just put  it down to dehydration, which leads me to a new resolution No.6. Drink 8 glasses of water a day.

Back to work on Monday, the first full week since the third weekend in December, it’s going to be a killer! Having said that, it didn’t dampen my spirits, even after waking upon Saturday morning feeling I had done 10 rounds with David Haye, I was determined to keep up my exercise regime.

And here we are, it is Tuesday evening and After dragging 3 children and my dog on my path to bikini bod uncovered this afternoon, I am confident that my weigh in tomorrow will reflect the hard work I have put in along with the unrelenting support I’ve had (it really helps!)

My target is 2lbs off…….fingers crossed!!

Ciao!

The First Day

On Christmas Day, as we sat around the t.v, Royale Family style, all I could think about was which sneaky little child is going to snap me popping yet another Quality Street into my mouth with their new Blackberry/tablet/only thing it can’t do is cook a roast dinner gadget, and how mortified I will be when I realise I actually have one more extra chin than I had last Christmas!! Luckily, I managed to escape another Christmas without a single, humiliating, turkey stuffed, chocolate scoffed, cold meat buffet picking photo! Time to welcome in the New Year, only this time it was a little different. My boyfriend, Sy and I had booked a holiday last summer, for 2 weeks in Zante at the beginning of June 2013, so with renewed motivation and the most over whelming sense of rather pooping in my hands and clapping than where a bikini, we are officially ON A DIET!!

For those who know me, know that I hate to conform, to be normal, I like to make my own path and generally just end up making things up as I go along, but lately I have realised that this method has clearly not worked for me in the past, so without further ado…..

New Years resolution No 1. Make New Years Resolutions!

In my 30 years, I have never made resolutions to do anything, so with that in mind, number 1 must now already be resolved! Clever huh?

No. 2. Lose weight/live healthier

This has got to be the resolution at the top of 99% of the human populations’ list. Now this is conformity! Let me explain further and you will understand how all 99% of those people cannot be wrong……

At a petite 5ft 2in, I am a hefty (for my height) 13st and 3lb. This is a meagre 11lb off my full term pregnancy weight back in 2005 to my daughter and proudest achievement, Leah-Marie. 50% of my body is fat and my BMI is over 30 (obese!) in order to exit the obesity category and enter into ‘normal’ I need to lose at least 44lb, and with 6 months until b-day (bikini) I have to lose at least 2lbs a week AND I have been reliably informed “it is do-able!”

No. 3. NO ALCOHOL! For 6 months!! (I’m not sure how I felt about this one but I’ve actually got that it writing now, it’s official!)

No. 4. Get 8 hours of sleep, where possible. I read somewhere that this is as good as exercise, SOLD!

Last one, No. 5. Learn how to use my brand new slow cooker, that my boyfriend’s mum, Pol, bought me for Christmas!

So, there you have it, I feel somewhat naked now, slightly vulnerable, but positive non the less. I just hope I can stick to it….

………Here goes……..

This took some doing, believe it or not, I don't actually wake up like this, although it's pretty close :)

This took some doing, believe it or not, I don’t actually wake up like this, although it’s pretty close 🙂